how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
