sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
