the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
