YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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