Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
