cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
God, I missed his penis.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
