I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
