So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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