He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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