Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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