God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.