I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.