I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
