I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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