They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
