There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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