just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
