so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
