So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
This baby is an asshole
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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