So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
