I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
