Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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