My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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