Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
