Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Randomize
