You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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