i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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