I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You're a waste of cheezeits
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
