I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
