This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
FUCK WHALES
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
