I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
