im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
