I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
