he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
