You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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