I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
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How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
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Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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