you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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