Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
