You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
