when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
