I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
