Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I think a kid would responsible me up
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
