Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
