She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
