I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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