Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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