All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
