just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
