your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
we should paint friendship bongs
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