Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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