I smell stomach acid.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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