You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
