Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
