Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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