how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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