Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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