fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
our cab driver is having phone sex.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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