3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
