She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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