Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
