he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I don't deserve a penis
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
